And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize