i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
It's rum buckets o'clock
Randomize
