My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize