Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You pole danced in your parka.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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