god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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