apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize