I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize