Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
