Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
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