Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
