He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
