just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
