The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
