He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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