i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
