Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
