Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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