I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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