take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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