I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
