i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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