bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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