Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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