His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
