1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
