I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
