I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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