Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I believe in your delicious
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize