I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
