Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
