her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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