Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
