ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
