you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
