This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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