The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
3 2 1 whiskey
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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