I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
