Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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