Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
