oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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