I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
