my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
