I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Edward fifth and chaser hands
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
