your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize