great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
