mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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