i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
