alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
