and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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