Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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