Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
