Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
