We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Dignity is for republicans.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
