the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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