Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
