next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
