I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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