haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
