Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
