i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
