if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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