My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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