theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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