So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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